“[Betrayal traumas] overwhelm coping capacities and define the…relationship as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress.”

 – Dr. Sue Johnson, Founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples

As humans, we all need connection and attachment, and this connection comes from being vulnerable with others; however, vulnerability also puts us at risk of being hurt. Though the benefits of vulnerability (of love!) are worth the potential costs, there is a reality in which vulnerability can allow us to experience the pain of betrayal.

Whether it’s a breach of trust in a romantic relationship, a close friendship, or even a betrayal by a family member, the pain of betrayal can feel overwhelming. A relationship that once was a source of safety becomes a source of fear… what once felt steady and secure, is replaced with uncertainty and insecurity. The world can feel as if it is crumbling down; the betrayal is recognized by our bodies as a trauma.

The pain of betrayal trauma runs deep, and because of this, healing can take significant time. With support, however, it is possible to navigate this difficult journey and move forward in hope. 

Understanding Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma occurs when someone we trust violates that trust in a significant way, and our ability to cope is overwhelmed. This can manifest in various forms, such as infidelity, deceit, financial betrayal, or emotional neglect. The experience can lead to a cascade of emotional responses, including anger, sadness, confusion, and even feelings of worthlessness. Noticing these feelings without judgment and recognizing them as normal reactions to betrayal (and not something to be ashamed of!) is the first step in moving forward. 

Potential Stages of Healing 

Like the stages of grief, healing from betrayal trauma is not linear; it often involves moving back and forth between different emotional states. Here are some common stages that you might experience:

Shock and Denial

“There is no way she could have done that; I’m sure there is some kind of misunderstanding.” 

Initially, you may feel numb or in disbelief about what has happened. This is a protective mechanism that allows you to process the difficult reality at your own pace and to not become immediately overwhelmed by all of your emotions.

Anger

“I hate myself for letting this happen; how could I be so naive!?”

As the reality of the betrayal sets in, feelings of anger can surface. This anger may be directed at the betrayer, yourself, or even the situation.

Bargaining

“If only I had come home on time every day, this would not have happened.”

You might find yourself replaying events in your mind, wondering if there was anything you could have done differently to prevent the betrayal.

Sadness and Grief

“My biggest fear has come true. Our family will never be the same.”

A deep sense of loss often follows betrayal. You may mourn not only the relationship but also the future you envisioned with that person.

Acceptance

“I wouldn’t choose this, but I accept that this has happened.”

This stage involves coming to terms with what happened. Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone the betrayal, but rather that you acknowledge it as part of your journey.

Strategies for Healing

While the path to healing is deeply personal, several strategies can support your recovery:

Allow Yourself to Feel

Give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions that come with betrayal. Suppressing your feelings can prolong the healing process. Journaling can be an invaluable way to name, express, and process these emotions.

Seek Support

Talk to trusted friends or family members who can offer a listening ear and emotional support. Consider joining a support group where you can connect with others who have experienced similar betrayals. Professional counseling can also be invaluable in navigating the complex emotions associated with betrayal trauma.

Establish Boundaries

If you decide to continue your relationship with the person who betrayed you, establish clear boundaries before moving forward. This looks like communicating your needs and expectations and what you are willing and not willing to tolerate. If your boundary is crossed, have a plan for how you will respond / uphold your boundary.

Practice Self-Care

Continue to engage in activities that nurture your body and soul. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, art, or spending time in nature, prioritizing self-care can help you protect or restore your sense of self-worth and wellbeing.

Reflect on the Experience

Once you feel ready, reflect on the betrayal and what you’ve learned from it. Consider how this experience has shaped you and what boundaries you might establish in future relationships. This reflection can transform your pain into wisdom.

Moving Forward

Healing from betrayal trauma is a journey that takes time and patience. It’s essential to be gentle with yourself and recognize that it’s okay to seek help. Remember, betrayal does not define you and it is not your fault. Over time, you can reclaim your power, learn from the pain, and experience healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

In the end, healing is not about forgetting the betrayal, but rather it is about integrating it into your story. It is possible to emerge with greater resilience, wisdom, and self-awareness. Beauty can come from even the most broken parts of our story. 

If you find yourself in the midst of a betrayal and are finding it difficult to cope with, counselors at Abide are here to help. We have experienced, professional counselors ready to help you process this pain and learn to trust again. Reach us today here.